Excessive Apologies: Ways to Stop the Habit

For me as a woman in my late thirties, I’ve consistently thought that politeness is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a happy life, I’ve battled very poor self-esteem. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Often, it happens so reflexively that I’m not even aware of it. It originates in anxiety and has influenced both my private and professional life. It annoys my loved ones and colleagues, and then I get upset when they mention it—which only worsens my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Questioning

This over-apologizing is especially concerning when it comes to public speaking or making inquiries in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay concise and avoid anxious tangents, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an early-career academic in political science, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through gradual exposure, such as instructing groups and compelling myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing humiliations from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I revert to old habits.

Personal Peace

I don’t think I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still enjoy life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to stop the overuse of apologies. I’ve heard that professional help might support me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used correctly. Too little or too excessive, and you place a load on others.

Understanding the Roots

A psychotherapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Inquiries such as, “How early were you when this started?” or “Was it internally driven or adopted from someone important to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once benefited us become harmful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as holding yourself back. You are aware it annoys those around you, yet you keep doing it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than acting. Much of good therapy is about self-reflection, not just fixing issues. A experienced counselor will gently challenge you, offering a comfortable setting to explore and embrace who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a relational approach with a person-centered counselor might be more effective. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you treat, ignore, and criticize yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your self-assurance can improve from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing long-standing behaviors is difficult, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by reflecting on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an effort to avoid embarrassment or exposure, by recognizing perceived flaws before others do. This can create a cycle of annoyance and anxiety.

Even processing later can be useful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel understood without you taking responsibility.

This journey will take patience, but admitting there’s an issue is a significant first step toward improvement.